notes from orlando: golfing is not a sport

"My friend Monica told me that I need to post something new," I called to tell my cousin Corinne. "And nothing's going on in my world. Tell me a story."

"Well, the kids are on Spring Break," she said.

"And. . . ?"

"And I told them that we could do anything they wanted to do. Anything in the world."

"So did you go to Disney?"

"No, we're over Disney. We're Disney'd out. They wanted to go golfing."

"Golfing? Like Putt-Putt?"

"No. Real golfing."

"All five of you?"

"Yup. Ryan took off work."

"You don't golf, do you?"

"Oh no, not me. I drive the cart and drink Bloody Mary's. It's really great. You're out there on the green and little cars come by to deliver you drinks."

"So your idea of golfing is drinking and driving."

"I only had one. And the carts only go four miles an hour."

"Whatever lets you sleep at night. So how did the kids [Cody, 11; Kendall, 10; Bailey, 7] do?

"The boys are really great golfers."

"And Kendall?"

"Kendall's very good at soccer."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, Cody gets up and whales on the ball."

"Uh-huh?"

"And then Bailey gets up and whales on the ball."

"Uh-huh?"

"And then Kendall gets up. . . and the ball sort of just falls off the tee."

"Oh."

"And then she tries again and it only dribbles about two feet."

"I hate golf," I say.

"Well, she must get it from you, then."

"How long did she last?"

"About three holes. After the third hole she was like, 'That's it. I'm driving the cart.'"

"Poor kid. Did you get her a Bloody Mary, too?"

"No! Who do you think we are. . .the Barrymores? I told her 'Honey, it's okay. Golf just isn't your sport.'

"Very good parenting."

"Thanks. But she just gripped the wheel a little tighter and gritted out, "Golf. Is not. A sport."

"I couldn't agree more," I said.

"Seriously. This from the girl who runs home from school during the off-season, so she can stay conditioned for soccer.

"No kidding?"

"No kidding. She had me cut her hair to above her chin last night because her ponytail kept smacking her in the eye during games."

"She's hard core. So did she try again?"

"Yeah, at around the seventh hole she thought she'd give it another shot."

"And?"

"Suprisingly, she hit it really well. She got it to the green."

"Oh, good for her!"

"And then she's on the green and doing her little putt and it's going right for the hole. She was jumping up and down she was so excited and then just as it's about to fall in, all of a sudden this little dachshund streaks onto the green from across the street, snatches up her ball and runs away with it!"

"You're kidding."

"No, it was running in circles around us and around the hole and Kendall was screaming at it to give her back the ball. And the more she screams the more the dog runs. I've never seen her so mad. She was swinging her club up over her head and I really think that if she could have gotten close enough, she really would have clubbed that dog."

"Oh my gosh."

"Seriously. Ryan was yelling at her, 'KENDALL, DO NOT HIT THAT DOG!'"

"So what happened?"

"Cody just squatted down and said, 'C'mere dog.' The dog ran right over to him, dropped the ball and rolled over on its back to have its belly rubbed. Cody rubbed its belly. Kendall grabbed her ball, stomped over to the hole and finished her putt. And then Cody picked up the dog and took it back to it's house."

"And she's always been so sweet to Fred."

"Fred's never come between her and a golf ball."

"This is true. So will you all be golfing together again?"

"Oh probably. It was actually really fun."

"Except for the rage and frustration part, of course."

"Well, the rest of us found it amusing. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team."

"Yeah, well, someone should explain that to the dog."