for see-roo ba-nee-nor because she stalks so good

I really like the rule of threes, so after this no more bangs talk. Unless, you know, I'm discovered by some fame-making maven, Matt Damon suddenly finds -- mysteriously -- that he's in love with me or I win the lottery. If those things happen, I can only assume it's the bangs and I'll have to share.

Speaking of fame and money, my friend-stalker Sarah is going to be rich and famous soon and then I will stalk her! Only I'll do it for real-real. None of this cyber-stalking, full-transparency silliness. I'll dig through her trash and watch her with binoculars and wear a blonde wig so I can sleep with her boyfriend -- because that's all that it takes to fool a man, you know -- a wig. And then I'll go to her mom's house and make her mom teach me how to bake birthday cake the way Sarah always does. (No. 1 Rule of Stalking: Go to the source.) And then I'll have my name formally changed to Sarah's name -- though maybe I'll leave off the "h" so know one knows, but in the private pages of my journal I'll "h" it up all over the place as I practice her signature over and over and over again. And I'll show up on the set of her new television show -- The Lance Krall Show -- and they won't know I'm not her either, because I'll wear the blonde wig again. And I will sign autographs with my practiced signature and everyone will fawn all over me until I open my mouth because Sarah is gut-wrenchingly funny on the fly and can sing really well and can be funny at the same time while singing really well.

And I can't. (Even my mom says so. But she means it as a compliment, so don't not love her.)

I'll have to figure out how to make it so that Sarah becomes mute before I start stalking her.

(No. 2 Rule of Stalking: Prep the subject.)

So this post is for Sarah, because she asked to see the bangs and I want to make her happy so that when I start stalking her she won't realize it for a while. She'll just think we're hanging out like regular friends and stuff. But she'll be wrong. She'll be so very, very wrong. But she can't say I didn't warn her.