when does lunch count?

What is it called when an attractive man rings you up out of the blue and asks you to lunch? Asks you to lunch and gives you a choice of locations at which you may dine? Shares a meal with you, is complimentary and engaging and then pays at the end of said meal? When all parties familiar with the two individuals going to lunch start waggling their eyebrows and nodding their heads knowingly? What is that called? Because I would call it a date. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you call that a date? It's a date, right?

Or is it?

What is it called when the attractive man who calls to invite you to lunch has a girlfriend? A girlfriend he tells you about, whom you proceed to discuss? A girlfriend he speaks of in glowing terms? What is that called? I might venture to say that's called Wasting. My. Time. What do you think?

There was nothing inappropriate about the lunch. If it had been a woman, I would have just chalked it up to a little networking and perhaps a foray into friendship. But the whole MAN element throws me.

*sigh*

Okayokay. . . for now, let's just call it a foray into friendship, shall we? But still, it's con-FU-sing. And I don't appreciate confusing. I get crazy over confusing.

It just seems like the traditional rules don't apply any more. Gay men asking out straight women (happened to me at least three times). Married people who refuse to curtail their single habits despite vows to the contrary. Those people who juggle multiple relationships like plates on sticks. Then there's the whole open relationship thing which due to my own puritanical conservative upbringing I just don't get at all.

It all just seems so dangerous to me. And I don't mean physically dangerous -- though, that, too. It's the emotional danger that spooks me. It's like a minefield of hurt waiting to happen.

But then what are the options? Because even the ones who aren't gay or committed are playing games. And they're not sharing the directions!!

Take my friend A. She recently met this really great guy who within the first couple of dates took her hand and looked into her eyes and expounded upon the importance of respect in their relationship. Did everything he could to make her feel safe and cared for and then two weeks later -- poof! -- he's gone ghost.

I once dated a guy who would add a Mrs. to his own last name when addressing me, but then he would disappear for days and weeks at a time between phone calls.

On the other hand, my friend M. has a habit of collecting male friends who "claim" her for theirs despite the fact that she has never and will never (having explained in no uncertain terms that she won't ever) go out with them, effectively blocking all other male beings within a four mile radius whenever they're together. Of course, these guys call ALL the time, but most can barely even feed themselves.

The seemingly normal and on-paper available ones are so extremely unreliable these days, that I almost can't blame people for jumping the gun for the affluent, attractive, able and intelligent gent who just happens to be in a weak relationship. Get him while the gettin's good, right?

So back to the lunch date. I asked a male friend of mine -- a male friend who is married and who loves his wife and is a total traditionalist and honorable and thinks he scored the lottery by marrying who he did and wouldn't do anything in the world to jeopardize the relationship -- what was up with this lunch. And he said, simply, "It's on."

"But he has a girlfriend!"

And this paragon of honor, he just sort of shrugged.

I asked my friend M. and she said, simply "Well, he's not married, right?"

"But he has a girlfriend!"

And she just sort of shrugged.

So was he wasting my time? Or given the state of the world and sexual politics, should I just bide my own? Though, honestly, in the long run, I don't really see how it matters either way.