notes from orlando: diving for lettuce

My cousin Corinne fell in the grocery store yesterday when going back for the right kind of lettuce. If only she'd gotten the right kind in the first place. . .

Me: (joking) Are you going to sue? (We really aren't litigious people.)

C: No! I can't! I slipped on nothing. There was nothing there. We looked. Bailey said he thought it was a berry, but there was no evidence of such. It's so embarrassing. . .

Me: Did anyone see you?

C: No, which was a-maze-ing, because there were tons of people around. This one woman came up to me and said that she didn't see me, but that she HEARD me fall. She actually heard me hit the ground.

Me: Ouch.

C: It was my knee that made the loudest thud and then the SPLAT-SPLAT when my hands hit and nobody came to rescue me. I'm lying there splayed on the ground clutching the wrong kind of lettuce and even my son, he just stands there in horror with his mouth open. In complete shock. I had to toss my bottled water in his face to snap him out of it.

Me: You okay?

C: No! My knee hurts, my hands hurt, my entire body is aching. I can't believe I slipped on nothing.

Me: Are you sure you won't be suing.

C: No. I think I'm just wearing ultra slippery shoes today. We were speed skating this afternoon at work, so I know they're slick.

Me: You were speed skating? In the store?

C: Oh yeah! The showroom floors are super polished and there were no customers and so we had a speed skating tournament. We went back into the warehouse to announce it and everything, "At 2:30 we will be holding a speed skating competition!"

Me: Did anyone show up?

C: No, so it was just two of us, skate-skate-skating around the store.

Me: Sounds like. . .

C: STOP EATING PAPER! That's just weird.

Me: Wha-?

C: Bailey has taken a huge bite out of a piece of paper. I just won't have that sort of person living in my house!

Me: You gotta draw the line somewhere. Did you get the right lettuce at least?

C: No! So now I have the wrong lettuce, a huge knee and I've scuffed my favorite skating shoes.

Me: And you've driven your son to paper-eating.

C: No, no that he did before.