tired for coffee

There was a man standing next to Oprah last week who said that coffee was bad. According to Oprah and the man standing next to her, coffee and its insidious properties not only make us fat, but it also ages us prematurely. As I watched Oprah and listened to the man standing next to her pontificate I could feeeeel my cheeks sliding down my face to lap over the edge of my jawline. My ass actually inflated in my chair, the chair which suddenly let out a groan of protest at the excessive coffee-weight it was forced to bear.

My God, I cried aloud channeling the agony of the old testament profits as they wandered the deserts in sackcloth and ash-washed up-dos, May I not have even ONE delightful little vice with no adverse effects?!

The answer from on high -- you know, Oprah -- is no. And this is bad.

Because in addition to making us fat and making us old, coffee, if you failed to notice, ALSO MAKES US AWAKE! Apparently, however, I missed the jump wherein consciousness has become less important than youngness and thinness. As I understand it sleeping thinly went out of vogue along with the waking of Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. Thing is, they were fated for the eventual happy ending. I have no such knowledge about my own future. So I must be awake to find out how it all ends. I've got to be awake to chase down that prince, tackle him off his horse and to the ground, if need be. I can't just be lying around, cooling my heels in dreamland.

And then the man standing next to Oprah (whose name I believe begins with a "P") explained that it wasn't the caffeine, it was the coffee itself. Caffeine is fine he said. Drink green tea instead, he said.

So I am. But let me tell you, tea ain't no coffee. I would have to drink a bathtub full of the stuff and honestly, who has the time to clean the bathtub that well?

I don't feel thinner. I don't feel younger. But I'm so much considerably more tired than usual, I just can't care.