fear and loathing

Since when did we become a culture of fear? When did that happen? Have I been napping all my life or has it really, truly gotten worse in the past few years? And is anyone else as sick of it and bone-weary exhausted, tired-to-the-point-of-collapse-at-even-the-thought-of-it-fatigued, as I am?

Apparently, we're doomed. The world is falling apart. And there's nothing we can do about it -- unless you buy a certain brand of deodorant. Unless you put ALL your money in the right bank. Unless you vote for a specific presidential candidate. And then everything will be fine. Sunny. Cheery. Balloons, butterflies and penny-candy great. But be careful because if you make the wrong choice, you will die. You will. Like they keep telling us. Choose or Die! But really, the subtext of the message is Choose AND Die, because the fanatics rule on one side and the hysterics on the other and both are convinced (and will try to convince you) that down the other road lies destruction.

Rock up against a hard place, anyone?

For instance, hypothetically, let's take mayonnaise. Some advertisers might posit that if you choose the wrong brand of mayonnaise, the terrorists will get you. And they will get you because your condiment of choice, in a convoluted and hazy chain of connected and heinous activities that involve things like illegal arms deals, the inappropriate stuffing of body cavities and also you know, heroine somehow supports their cause. Sure, you think you're just buying your favorite brand of extra flavor goodness for your sandwich, but no, you selfish bastard, you are sponsoring the evil misdeeds of the devil's offspring. You and your desperate need for mayonnaise are the cause of all the world's ills. "So," says the happy voice-over "buy Miracle Whip instead." Or even better, mustard. Because it has been proven with unequivocal certainty that there are absolutely NO terrorists attached to the mustard industry.

For now.

Tomorrow, however, could be a completely different story, because anyone is allowed to say anything with impunity these days. Even when they contradict themselves. And no one blinks. The media and the masses who love hearing what they love to hear just let the false-sayers and prevaricators get away with it. Thusly:

Governor running for re-election: I despise Mayonnaise. Its very existence tears at the social fabric of our society. Mayonnaise is directly related to the drug-problem in our suburbs, or as I like to call them the "new inner cities," promiscuous May-December sex between movie stars and the decline of social security.

Journalist: But Governor, didn't you just recently say that mayonnaise was good for the American people?

Governor running for re-election: No, Bippy, I said no such thing.

Journalist: Governor, let's look at a tape of a speech you gave last week to Mayonnaise Lovers of America for America.

Governor running for re-election on tape: Fellow mayonnaise-lovers, I am here to say that mayonnaise is the greatest invention in the history of mankind. Without mayonnaise we could not have gone to the moon. Without mayonnaise the Cold War would still be in effect. Without mayonnaise, my wife would have left me for a wealthier, better looking and more masculine man years ago. Mayonnaise is the single most relevant factor in the success of our country to date.

Journalist: Governor?

Governor running for re-election: Well, Bippy, you must recognize that it was taken out of context.

Journalist: I see. And now I want to ask you about J-walking.

What the fuh?!

Let me tell you something. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that my colors will fade if I use the wrong detergent. I am not afraid of gay marriage or carbohydrates. I'm not afraid that someone's going to steal my identity and buy a waterbed with it. I am not afraid that I'm going to get cancer from my cell phone or the blue sugar substitute. I am not afraid that Vikings are suddenly going to descend upon me while I peacefully sip coffee at a roadside café and catapult me from my chair if I use the wrong credit card. I am not even afraid of the lies, because I have a brain and I use it to come to sane conclusions.

I'll practice caution when necessary, but I reject irrational fear. Do you hear me? I REJECT IT! And I reject the lies that they tell to make me jump through hoops. If doing so makes me jaded, then so be it. I don't like being jaded, but I'd rather be jaded than afraid.

Hey, and you know what else I'm not afraid of? I'm not afraid of the mayonnaise-loving terrorists. Because there's nothing I, personally, can do about them. Do I want to invite them over for dinner? No. Would I like them to stay in their part of the world (or holed up in their house down the street where they were born because they're actually American) and leave us alone? Yes. Do I plan on vacationing this springtime in any of the many oppressed and unsettled backwaters on our planet? No. But I refuse to give those who would do me and mine wrong the power of my fear either. And excuse me, but the government should work to protect us because it's its job to protect us. And they should do so without feeling it necessary to scare us into relinquishing our civil rights in the process. Because they should be working to protect those, too. It's what makes this country great -- those civil rights. It's what sets us apart. And safety without freedom is no better than a padded cell.

I'm beyond angry at the fear mongering that the politicos are selling to get our votes and that the media perpetuates to get those ad dollars. The ad dollars are ubiquitous. Nothing we can do about those. But soon the election season will be over and we'll have a brief respite during which to catch our breaths. Only for a few more days will we have to listen to them all try to convince us of how much danger we're in. Because I guarantee you that regardless of who is elected, come Nov. 3, the message we'll hear from the White House will miraculously herald: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!!

Right.

Here's what I know. Regardless of what detergent I buy, my blacks aren't ever as black as I'd like and my whites aren't nearly as white. In fact, everything, despite the ad jingles and peppy dance numbers, after a few washings is just sort of grey. And that, my friends, ain't nothing to be afraid of.