fear & choices

Let me say, for the record, that I'm not convinced I want to be here, doing this, writing this blog. It just seems that I've given lip-service to the idea of writing and voiced lackadaisically that I'd love to be published for so many years that it's on the verge of embarrassing. And now, technology has caught up with me. Ergo, I no longer have an excuse to not write, to not publish. So sad when the basis for a great excuse resolves itself.

Also, you know, I was jealous. Jealous of the people in the blogger world, out there making a satement. Saying something. Contributing to the larger conversation. And I do so hate being left out.

In the weeks leading up to this decision, it all boiled down to fear and choices. And though I've found that I enjoy trying things that scare me, I don't do so nearly often enough. I need something to be scared about or my day turns a dangerous shade of taupe. This scares me. There you have it. To the other, as my Auntie Mame says, not making a choice is making a choice. So rather than choose to wait and hope a world-renowned publisher dons a black ski mask and breaks into my home with the sole intent of hacking into my computer and downloading my journals in his or her latest bid to discover the next great thing, I choose this.

I feel like I'm at a very crowded party talking to myself. Crazy girl mumbling nonsense in the corner. No cell phone in sight so I can fake sane. So be it. I'm here.